Friday, November 23, 2007

On the light side

Notice to Your Pets... To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture. )

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children !

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Blogger kim said...

If this would only prevent the dog from opening our refrigerator door, I'd be ecstatic!

November 23, 2007 at 9:48 PM  
Blogger peppylady said...

Thank you for sharing this.

November 24, 2007 at 12:12 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

Haha! I love it! Now if I could get the cat to understand the my head is not the softest place to sleep, and there is no need to run a race around the house after using the litter box! The excess litter comes off just fine if you use that little rug in front of the litter box! That is what it is there for! :-)

November 24, 2007 at 9:09 PM  
Blogger Julie Marie said...

Ha, Ha! I have seen this before but it was just as funny this time. Gracie is in the dog house, once again.


November 25, 2007 at 9:48 PM  
Blogger Julie Marie said...

Ha, Ha! I have seen this before but it was just as funny this time. Gracie is in the dog house, once again.


November 25, 2007 at 9:48 PM  
Blogger Em said...

Very funny...I love this!

November 26, 2007 at 1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laughed all the way through this!
I love it, and am printing it out for MY fridge and my 3 kitties!

November 26, 2007 at 4:37 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

A friend recently sent this to me! It's so true, huh? I have five cats! Our King Size bed is JUST not big enough!!

November 30, 2007 at 12:26 PM  
Blogger Birdie said...

This was too cute. My husband wanted to tell you about #11, that you can "legally" sell their children;)

November 30, 2007 at 2:56 PM  

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