Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Saying goodbye

I had to say goodbye this week to someone that I had not seen in a long long time. Someone who had been part of my life at one time. Someone I didn't expect to ever see again. Someone who had turned there back on me, and who I had turned my back on. So why did it  surprised me when I felt sad knowing I probably will never see them again.

I saw my ex mother in law and my ex sister in law. It has been about 14 years since I have seen either of them, and other than once or twice for a five minute phone conversation  when the ex had his heart attack three years ago I have not heard from them.
 When my ex husband and I split up 11 years ago they just drop me out of there life. Not a phone call, or a letter to say how are you, is there anything I can do to help, do you need anything, kiss my ass, nothing, Nada. So of course I just let it go too.

Some of you who have been reading this blog a long time may or may not remember that my ex and his girlfriend life in the apartment building next door to mine. Yes a strange arrangement and a story for another day. We rarely see each other so as far as the living close goes we might as well be across town as far as staying out of each others business.

Anyway, he did tell me several weeks back that his mom and sister were coming to town and had mentioned they would like to see me, Ok I said, thinking to myself what ever So it surprised me a bit on the day they arrived I got a knock on my door. It was the ex and his sister. They had just got off the plane and the first thing that his mom wanted to do was see me. My ex mother in law has trouble with her legs and doest do much walking so of course she couldn't come to me, (I have stairs) so I went out to the car to visit awhile.
I was polite, talking a mile a minute, thinking ok, I am giving you five minutes of my time and since they were all heading out to dinner anyway I thought that was all I would be seeing of them.
Not to be...
The next night I get a phone call, it is my daughter wanting my husband and I to meet them for dinner at Golden Corral. What the heck I thought and off we go. Well when we all got there my ex and his girlfriend who are heavy smokers announced they were going to the smoking section, and left ME, MY HUSBAND, my daughter and grandson with them in the the No smoking section. I was so shocked. I could not believe the rudeness of it. How could he treat his mother that way. The poor woman is in her late 70's and walks with a walker. I went and helped her fix her plate. Taking back on the roll of daughter in law which no longer belonged to me. At the end of the meal my daughter and I left my grandson with the ex and took his mom and sister back to the hotel room where her and I visited for two hours.
In that time I think my heart melted a little. I was able to talk to my ex sister in law (who is just a year older than me) about some things that had happened to cause the divorce, Not hurtful things against her brother, but just truthful things about both of us and how things really were and how bad it had become. Things they needed to hear to somehow let the past become that. The past. To put behind the hurt and allow the healing to begin. 
 It would take me days and days and hundreds of post to talk about the why and the who and what had happened. Things that really don't matter now anyway. I have moved on, he has moved on. Life is never going to be the same and a sadness hung in the air but it does go on and it is good.
The next night we once again visited all of us this time at my daughters house, laughing having a good time. At the end of the night I knew I would have to say goodbye again.
This time probably for good. Changes are I will never see his mom or sister again. She is getting old. I am getting tired. I can't go back and hash the emotional hurt again. I need to go forward to keep healing to have a happy home with my new husband to enjoy my children and grand children and I can't do that living in the past. ...
Still it hurts, it hurts to say goodbye, to want to say so much, to say I'm sorry, I did love you, I wish I could change things, I wish it would be better...........I watched them drive away, I waved..I knew..somehow I knew..It was the last time..It is so hard
How Can I help you say goodbye?



Blogger Autumnforest said...

You're very perceptive to have realized that it might be your last time and to get things tied up. I have to admit, I've lost my mother, father, sister, brother, almost every aunt and uncle, a few cousins, and friends. I learned from losing my father at 16, that I was lucky he knew exactly how I felt about him and knew I was on a good course before he died. With my mother, I had years to prepare myself. I began to take over the role that she played in my life (in other words, I kept my successes to myself instead of dragging them to her for approval) and then I had the long talks about the past and the good things she did and the funny things that happened and let her know I loved her. When she passed, I felt none of the burden of "what if's." My siblings went quickly, but because of what happened earlier in life, I treated them every day as if it were the last. When they passed, there was nothing undone. I think that's an admirable thing for you to realize. You obviously have a huge heart and they were very lucky to have you in their lives and they probably know that too. No, I'm sure they do.

September 22, 2009 at 12:15 PM  
Blogger KathyA said...

Wow. They are better off having known you. It's good when 'adversaries' can put their feelings aside and totally forgive. And that's what, by your actions, you have done. I'm not sure, though, that saying goodbye ever does get easier.

September 22, 2009 at 2:49 PM  
Blogger Sweet Virginia Breeze said...

I am so glad you had a chance to mend your relationship. I'm sure your kindness to them was really appreciated.

September 22, 2009 at 9:18 PM  
Blogger Goat Creek Grandma said...


Your story reminded me so much of how things were when my ex and I divorced. He came from a big family and I loved them all but once we split up they all basically ignored me. It hurt as I thought we were not just family but friends too. Now that 10 years have passed, I've been able to talk to a few of them but there are still ones who turn up their noses at me.

I'm glad you were able to work past old issues with your ex-mil and sil...

Take Care,

September 23, 2009 at 8:50 AM  
Blogger Leslie Shelor said...

Sounds like a time of healing for both side. Glad you had the chance to mend some things...and mend some hearts!

September 23, 2009 at 9:46 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I am teary eyed reading this. So glad that you had this time...that you TOOK this time that surely is healing in some way for all involved. I think it says alot that they wanted to spend time with you and to have that healing and the chance to say goodbye.

September 24, 2009 at 8:44 PM  

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